i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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