Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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