if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
it's like heaven, but drunker
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
