You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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