If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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