my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
