I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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