guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
