I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
