the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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