New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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