Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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