You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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