I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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