Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
