im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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