Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
