By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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