Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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