these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
