I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I touched a dick in church today
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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