I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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