He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
