y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I could make wine with my vomit
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
