Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
