I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
