Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
