I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
