11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
