nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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