sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
