I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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