You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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