I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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