I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
