i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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