I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
