I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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