i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
