Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Drunk is not a location!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
