i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
