I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
