A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
When are your genitals available?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
