her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
