i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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