I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
