you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
