he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
