What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
