Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
