i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
