The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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