im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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