i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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