So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
