like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
