If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
