when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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