Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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